The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
