everyone is single if you try hard enough
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
