I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize