We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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