I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
