so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
