Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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