The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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