When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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