Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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