If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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