If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
