tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she told me i tasted like america
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
