I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Hippo gnu deer
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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