i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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