okay pat passed out under dana's car
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
