my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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