I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
