did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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