3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
