the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He better not be in your backpack
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
