There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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