I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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