I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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