we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
