I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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