If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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