he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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