I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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