I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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