You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
