We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
