I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I currently don't understand fingers.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
