did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
