sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
