call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
