he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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