So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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