So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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