i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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