remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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