whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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