wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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