OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
