It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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