So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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