OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
