So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
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Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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