I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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