Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nutella sex= disaster
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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