Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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