Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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