just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
