He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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