I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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