This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
