Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
