The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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