My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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